Here is a line I heard yesterday from a very pretty woman in her late twenties while waiting for my Cappuccino at a local Starbucks:
“Things between Robert and me heated rather quickly. Within three months, we were not only moved in with each other but I was already going to the bathroom in front of him.”
To borrow a line from South Park: “What, What, Whaaat??” Believe me, I understand what the young lady was trying to relay: she was trying to explain that the feelings between her and Robert were deeper than mere attraction. They loved and trusted each other enough to perform otherwise private functions in front of each other. I get it.
The question is why is it necessary to debase yourself in the process? The act of using the bathroom (with the exception of some really exceptional rare circumstances) should always be private. Especially for women. Yes, I will admit it is a lot easier for men to whip it out in front of each other — think public restroom urinals just about anywhere in the world. However, heteroS3xual men are attracted to women because women are different. If they wanted someone just like themselves, construction workers would be marrying each other in masse every other Saturday right there at the construction site! But they do not.
Men want women for the very reason they complain to not understand them: women are mysterious and enigmatic. Women have hundreds of baffling bottles of unidentified products that crowd shower stands. Women spend hours undercover, locked in their bedrooms while engaged in some shady activities, after which they can emerge and knock men out with their beauty. Men find it maddening yet frightful and exciting at the same time. That’s because men are hunters by nature. When they see something that baffles them, they must conquer and possess it. So ladies, to keep your men perpetually in awe, certain things should be kept private. You clearly understand by now that your toilet routine tops the list. That’s pretty clear.
Here are some other things, however, that may not be as obvious, and that should also be kept private:
1. Your makeup routine.
Every morning, New York City Public transportation sees scores of blurry-eyed women balancing with filled-to-the-brim makeup cases on their laps. Some of them will powder their noses. Some will fix lipstick. Still, others will go from totally bear to full on Kim Kardashian caked on face. Ladies, if you simply cannot fit your makeup routine into your morning rush hour craziness, then the answer is very simple. Set your alarm clock for 30 minutes ahead (told you it would be simple).
Makeup is a very private grooming procedure, not unlike shaving for men, and should be performed in private. What would you think if a man broke out a full shaving kit on the subway and proceeded to shave? Shocking, right? But the principal is the same: private grooming should stay private. Similarly, if you need to fix your lipstick after dinner or blot your oily face after a night of dancing, please avail yourself of the facilities that are always available in places like restaurants and clubs. None of us wish to watch your face powder flying into your plate as we are having dinner. Especially not your boyfriend.
2. Remove hair.
Don’t worry; I am yet to witness any woman giving herself hot wax in a subway car (but I have a feeling that one day I will). However, I have seen plenty of women armed with tweezers angrily ripping small stubbles from various parts of their faces, all while being surrounded by seemingly indifferent fellow commuters.
Ladies, just because we don’t projectile vomit (only because we were brought up right), does not mean we are not disgusted. If we don’t say anything while unwillingly observing your battle with unwanted facial hair, it’s because we have a mouthful of your rejected hairs and we are afraid to open our mouths for fear of that same projectile vomiting we have been trying so hard to contain. It is even worse for a man to watch his beloved do it at home. One of the things he loved most about you was how smooth and feminine your face was….Oops!
3. Pop a pimple.
Seriously ladies, I do sympathize with acne. I am no stranger to that one unexplained zit that never fails to show up during your most important occasions — like a first date or your best friend’s wedding. Just like I am no stranger to the same dermatological discourses on the adverse affect zit-popping can have on the rest of your face that we all have heard. And as much as I may agree with that discourse, I have to admit that sometimes the best way to fight the little menace is to claw him out once and for all. But must you do it in public?
Do we need to witness the losing battle, which usually ends in blood? Plus, if done in the privacy of your home, blood can be contained and disarmed with some Peroxide. What happens when you decide to fight that battle in the middle of a crowded restaurant? Will you just let the rivers of blood flow into your spaghetti? Or worse, leave it on your face for all of us to see and immediately ask for our checks to empty out of the venue while being violently ill ourselves? Don’t make us ill, ladies. If you must fight those $uckers, please do so in privacy. Privacy includes your boyfriend. No one should be privy to your zit popping routines — nobody!
4. Cut your toenails. Let me start by saying that as women, we all know the benefit of a good pedicure. We also know that sometimes, in between pedicures, we need to have a quick fix. I get it. But do you need to do it in front of your boyfriend? Does the site (or even the thought) of him cutting his toenails gets you aroused in any way? So why do you think he is any different? Just because your toenails bear nail polish, does not mean they may not go flying into his eye just as he was admiring your silky hair and thinking how lucky he was to have a hot girlfriend like you. And it’s difficult for him to notice how awesome you look in your beautiful new C0cktail dress if he has a toenail clipping lodged in his right eye. Keep it private, ladies. Keep it private. Keeping these activities private will certainly improve your relationship. Do you agree? Share your thoughts in the comments!